Ever since my sophomore year in high school, 15 years ago yikes, my best friends and I have been in the same fantasy football league. It’s always a lot of fun, we argue about who’s team is best, we make fun of each other’s placers, and inevitably my friend Erik ends up destroying all of us. It’s so great. With the NFL Draft right around the corner there’s new players for us to draft and I started to get the Draft Day itch, so I thought why not combine a few of my favorite things together and make a fantasy-style draft out of some of the most epic football movie players.

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My Made Up Arbitrary Rules

The goal was to draft 5 gamebreakers to take your team over the top. So here are the rules, each of us had to draft 5 players: one quarterback, one running back, one wide receiver, one defensive player, and one non-quarterback. Every team is a solid B level squad, so our respective draft picks will either elevate the teams into title contention, or make them into the laughing stock of our league. We had a snake style draft where the order was determined at random. I made a big board of studs from across various movies and TV shows, but we were not limited to picking from just this list. We drafted over the course of a day via text and sent various GIFs, some will be included, and after all picks were cast each team will be analyzed in great statistical and unbiased depth by this guy…

Big Board

Round 1

With the first pick The Double Deuce Demon Deacons select…QB Paul Crewe from the OG Longest Yard

Jeff hit the jackpot of all jackpots by getting the first pick here and shocked us all by passing over a player most experts would’ve been a slam dunk at the number pick. Being one to eschew all norms and expectations, Jeff decided to go with his gut and draft the coolest prospect available with Paul Crew at quarterback. Now Crewe has a lot going for him as a QB, he can run a hurry up offense, he’s sneakily mobile, but there are a lot of character concerns as he’s been known to throw games in big spots. This type of mentality could hurt his squad moving forward, plus some experts say he could’ve dropped to 2nd round. Draft Grade: C+

With the second pick The LJ Phoenix select…QB Steamin Willie Beamen Any Given Sunday

Is it possible for the biggest steal in the entire draft to go at number 2? Experts, aka me, say yes. If you think of the greatest all-time mobile quarterbacks you probably think of names like: Vick, Prescott, Jackson, Murray, or Kaepernick, but all are just reimaginings of the prototype Willie Beamen. This man is a human highlight reel, who can beat you with his arm, legs, and creativity. Much like with the previous pick, Beamen can clash with his coach, but if LJ can make sure he buys in, expect the LJ Phoenix to win big and cash out on Beamen’s music career. Draft Grade: A+

With the 3rd pick The Fighting Dizzler’s select…DE/OLB Steve Lattimer The Program

As the GM and owner of the Fighting Dizzler franchise, I’ve instilled 2 mentalities into our team: defense wins championships, and just win baby. Steve Lattimer is a tone setter on defense with high energy and a hunger to play. If you don’t believe it, just check out this video of Lattimer’s reaction to starting on defense. To me this is the sign of a leader who’s attitude will be contagious. A nasty defense can build a dynasty. Sure there may some…debate…about his drug testing, but there’s no debate that a defense built around Lattimer can make any QB’s Sunday feel like hell. Draft Grade: B+

With the 4th pick The Southern Dandies select…WR Rod Tidwell Jerry Maguire

With his first of back to back picks, veteran GM Erik gets the best receiver available late in the first round. Rod Tidwell had the talent to go number one, but his unique contract negotiation process scared off other GMs and owners. Tidwell’s versatility as a receiver causes him to be a true matchup nightmare as he can go over the middle, he can go deep, and he has a knack for making the tough catches in traffic. He can make average quarterbacks look good, and he can make the good ones look great, but durability is an issue with his undersized frame. If he can stay healthy for a full 16 games, this pick is a slam dunk. Draft Grade: A

Round 2

The Southern Dandies select…MLB Thad Castle Blue Mountain State

This selection by Sterch is the antithesis of the previous pick. Whereas Rod Tidwell has a reputation of a me-first diva receiver, Thad Castle is the ultimate glue guy. As team captain at Blue Mountain State, Castle kept his defense playing at a championship level, and he was renowned for his ability to organize team-building events for his teammates. Much like Lattimer, Thad Castle is an athlete you can build a championship defense around. His effort and intensity could be something his teammates can thrive off of, and his leadership is unquestionable, but you can typically get Middle Linebackers much later in the draft. Draft Grade: B-

The Fighting Dizzlers Select: QB Shane Falco The Replacements

The 3rd QB off the board here. Shane Falco has got a cannon of an arm and showed he can overcome his Sugar Bowl lapses in the big moment as he led the Sentinels to an astounding final drive comeback over Dallas. The former Ohio State standout is a great leader with a proven track record to elevate the level of play his teammates. If Falco can make an epic playoff push, and even more unfathomably epic 2nd half comeback to clinch a berth playoffs, with replacement level players, imagine the damage he could do with proper weapons around him. Pair this with his shifty 4.9 speed, and this lefty is anything but lumbering his way to victory. If that’s not enough here’s a quote from the signal caller, “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.” Draft Grade: A

The LJ Phoenix select: RB James “Boobie” Miles Friday Night Lights (movie)

Longtime GM Littlejohn takes a big swing here in the second round. He took what was widely considered to be a can’t miss dynamo in Beamen, and followed it up with a big gamble. James “Boobie” Miles was an absolute beast of a running back coming out of high school, and was on his way to whatever college he chose, when he was devastated by a knee injury. Modern science has come a long way, but we are going to need to wait and see if Miles is closer to Willis McGahee or Marcus Lattimore. In time, we can look back and say this was the smartest pick in the draft, but for now there’s just too many uncertainties to feel great about this one. Draft Grade: C+ that could end up setting the curve for the entire process

The DDDD’s Select: RB Tim Riggins Friday Night Lights (TV)

With the first of his back to back picks, GM Jeff looks to continue shaping his old school offense. Now on paper, this is a terrible pick. At best, Riggins is Mike Alstott, who was an all time great touchdown vulture for fantasy football purposes, a fan favorite, but a player whose position is as extinct as the Dilophosaurus. Can the quadruple D’s be creative and use Riggins in a more fluid H-Back role, or will he be nothing more than a lead goal line blocker in a modern more spread out NFL? Odds are this team is going to be a lot closer in competing with the 1960’s Packers than Aaron Rodgers’ 2020 squad. Draft Grade: D+

Round 3

The DDDD’s Select: TE Brian Murphy The Replacements

After selecting an old school under center QB in Crewe, and an even older school FB/HBack in Riggins, the quadruple D’s draft an extremely new school player in Brian Murphy. Murphy is a true matchup nightmare at TE as he can play in the slot and lineup out wide. With great speed, better hands, and underrated blocking, Murphy is a steal in round 3. As long as he and Crewe work to create various hand signals this could be huge for their offense. This GM is known for his love of TE’s so expect Murphy to put up Gated/Kelce like numbers. Draft Grade: A

The LJ Phoenix select: MLB Bobby Boucher JR (The Waterboy)

The LJ Phoenix gets away from offense with this pick and takes goes for a high quality, high motor, defensive anchor in Bobby Boucher JR. Think of Boucher as a more versatile Castle taken in a much later slot. This pick screams value. Boucher is a heavy hitter, and if the LJ Phoenix pair his talents with a creative coach in the mold of Coach Klein, he can be used on both sides of the field. Think of him as a mixture of Mike Vrabel with shades of LT, and he also can revolutionize a team’s medical/training staff with his expertise in hydration. If you doubt his impact here are a few stats: Boucher helps SCLSU snap its 41 game winning streak, set a record 16 sacks in a single season (since broken by Terrell Suggs at ASU), and threw this beauty of a TD pass to win the Bourbon Bowl against their rival UL Cougars. He can do a bit of everything and bring a team together, but maybe he’s going to have to become a Jamal Adams style safety to make it in the NFL as he’s a bit undersized to be a pro linebacker. Either way, this is an impact player taken in the 3rd round. Draft Grade: A

The Fighting Dizzlers Select: RB Earl Megget (The Longest Yard)

If speed kills, then Earl Megget is a serial killer…actually he may be a serial killer, we don’t get clarification of his crime. One thing that is clear is he has the type of game-breaking speed that can allow him to take it to the house with every touch. In the scrimmage against the guards here’s Megget’s statline:

In a modern NFL that revolves around speed and spacing, and with a professional offensive line, imagine what this kind of impact player can do on offense. Shane Falco is licking his chops at the thought of checking down to someone who can turn a bailout into a windfall. Ha, money pun. Almost as money as that pick. Draft Grade: A+

The Southern Dandies Select: Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday)

GM Sterch makes a win now pick with this selection. Everyone knows Julian Washington has one goal and one goal only, the next big check. He’s more than lived up to his reputation of being a “me first” player. With the Sharks last season he butted heads when Willie Beamen started to become a star. He rarely puts his head down for extra yards, and often tries to make the flashy play before the smart one. Sure he’s talented, but he’s just as likely to sit out for personal reasons as he is to put the team on his back and score multiple touchdowns. If the bag is big enough for Washington to chase you can expect big numbers, but don’t expect those big numbers when the season is on the line. Draft Grade: B

Round 4

The Southern Dandies Select: WR/KR Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

Whereas Julian Washington is as polished as they come, Forrest Gump is the definition of a raw prospect. As an All-American returner, Gump can help instantly on special teams. He’s got a knack for going the extra mile for his team and those he cares for. If he becomes the next Devin Hester, this could be a good steal for the Dandies, but he could be so much more. His height makes him a decent endzone threat, and even if he can’t learn to do more than run deep, he can take the top off of defenses. A very underrated aspect of this pick is what comes with the selection off the field. A shrewd GM like Sterch is getting a boost to revenue with Gump’s selection, as he can bring Bubba Gump Shrimp to the stadium, and Dandies apparel can be sold in their respective restaurants. Even if this pick doesn’t work out on the field, it will pay off in every other aspect. Sterch is playing 4D chess while the rest of us are figuring out what checkers are. Draft Grade: B

The Fighting Dizzlers Select: Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues)

The great Quarterbacks of the last few decades have all had their own security blanket Wide Receivers. The type of player who is always in the right spot, runs great routes, and has sure hands. They’re not the flashiest, but they often bail out their QB and can come in clutch in big moments. Think Peyton to Harrison or Wayne, Brady to Welker or Edelman, Brees to Colston or Thomas. These guys rack up hundreds of catches while making life easier for their receivers. Charlie Tweeder can do that for Shane Falco and the Fighting Dizzlers. What he lacks in size at all of 5’6, he makes up for in heart and precision. He makes the big catch, he takes the big hit, and his teammates love him for it. His teammates will also love him for his ability to bring people together, whether it be through an inspiring halftime speech or getting the boys together at the strip club for a BBQ during the bye week, Tweeder is the perfect guy to take in the later rounds. Draft Grade: B+

The LJ Phoenix Select: Clifford Franklin (The Replacements)

The run on receivers continue as GM LJ takes the 3rd straight receiver and 5th straight skilled position player late in the 4th round. Clifford Franklin is the fastest, Gump may have him in straight-line speed but can’t compare when a change of direction is needed, a pure receiver in this draft. With decent size to compliment his incendiary speed, Franklin would be a surefire first-rounder if not for his one flaw…he can’t catch. Now to most GM’s a receiver who can’t catch would scream UDFA, but to a maverick like LJ looking to win his first title, clearly, it’s time to take a gamble. Franklin is an excellent teammate to have in the locker room, and his speed could theoretically take the top off of a defense. If he can find a way to hold on to the ball without a preposterous amount of stickum, this could be a huge steal for LJ in the 4th. Draft Grade: C

The DDDD’s Select: DE/LB Greg Meaney (The Waterboy)

If not for a bullying scandal, Meaney could’ve easily gone within the first two rounds. Scouts were a bit scared off by reports from college teammates, and some of his interview answers, so his stock plummeted. All flaws acknowledged, Meaney is a defensive coordinator’s dream. He has the size, versatility, and skill to make him a Justin Tuck clone. He can rush from the outside, the inside, and can drop into coverage for the sake of QB confusion. If you want a defensive player with attitude and a mean streak, Greg Meaney is your guy, just don’t expect to win any sportsmanship awards. Draft Grade: A-

Round 5

The DDDD’s Select: K Nigel Gruff (The Replacements)

In the last round, GM Double Deuce is trying to put his best foot forward, literally, by selecting Kicker Nigel Gruff aka The Leg. Now he’s Welsh and a pub owner, not the most prototypical archetype for a football player, but he can kick a football the entire length of the field, which is something no other kicker in the league can do. Now if we look at this pick alone, it’s not bad. Any time you can get the best at a position with the last pick of your draft it’s a win. He could enter the league as the best kicker instantly, if not for his crippling gambling addiction, terrible drinking and smoking habits, and the fact that he’s still new to the sport as a whole. If you also compare this pick to the other options on the board it’s a travesty for the 4D Squad. Taking a kicker over talents like Vontae Mack, Julius Campbell, Darnell Jefferson, Deacon Moss, Jimmy Sanderson, and Wendell Brown is an example of a systemic failure from the top down. Deuce can be in trouble if Gruff doesn’t kick multiple game-winning field goals this season. Draft Grade: D+

The LJ Phoenix Select: CB/S Earl Wilkinson (The Replacements)

Now, this is how you draft. The LJ Phoenix get another absolute with their last pick by taking stud defensive back Earl Wilkinson. Though he may not be the best pure corner on the big board, he does offer the most versatility as he can cover, drop into a deep zone, and play in the box. With him and Boucher, this defense has the potential to be special, but personality is the big concern with Wilkinson. If he doesn’t mesh with his teammates, the locker room can get toxic quickly. A strong head coach and a creative DC can create a new Legion of Boom with this group. Draft Grade: A-

The Fighting Dizzlers Select: LB/Edge Zachary “Sack” Lodge (The Wedding Crashers)

This is a deep scouting find by the Fighting Dizzlers here. Sack Lodge is the President of the Environmental Defense League and was wrapping up his Ivy League degree, when legend of his athleticism spread. Being a fan of football and crab cakes, the Dizzlers took a big swing on someone who could be a potentially game-breaking pass rusher. Both he and Lattimer could terrorize quarterbacks for years to come in the future and make this a devastating defense. He has a motor that won’t stop, and if his technique can be refined this project pick can really pay off moving forward. Draft Grade: B

The Southern Dandies Select: QB Joe Kane (The Program)

Now this pick may be the biggest flaw in the Southern Dandies’ draft. Joe Kane is an undersized game manager who was a Heisman candidate as a junior despite playing in a I-Formation, Jumbo set heavy offense that revolves around screens to RBs. Now I’m not sure how that was possible, but he had plenty of preseason hype. That hype was derailed due to suicidal tendencies, alcohol abuse, and a trip to rehab. He’s also a locker room concern as his only friend on the team was his left tackle, and a freshman running back. A true leader at quarterback operates as if the world revolves around him, Kane operates as if he’s not comfortable with the world watching. Pair this with QB’s like Johnny Moxon, Alex Moran, Cap Rooney, and Sunshine Ronny Bass still on the board, and this pick looks like a dog’s favorite word: rough. Draft Grade: D-

Team Outlook

Overall all it looks like the LJ Phoenix and the Fighting Dizzlers have the two best teams after this draft, with a slight unbiased ruling in favor of the Dizzlers. Experts just think their team is more versatile and would edge out their competition with hard hitting defense. I was able to simulate a season using high-tech cutting-edge imagination, and here’s how things went down: The Fighting Dizzlers destroyed the LJ Phoenix who just didn’t bother to perform in the playoffs. The Double Deuce Demon Deacons lost to the Southern Dandies due to a last minute field goal miss by Gruff, who was then under investigation for point shaving and GM Deuce was fired. In the championship The Dizzlers came in as heavy favorites against their dreaded rival Dandies, got out to an early lead, and Forrest Gump has the trifecta as he returned, caught, and rushed a touchdown for a record setting championship comeback. Somehow the Southern Dandies win…even in a made up fantasy scenario, Sterch still wins, and I still hate fantasy football.