Earlier today I did something i’ve done countless times, order from the greatest fast food place in the history of the America…Popeye’s. I was feeling a bit peckish after not eating much last night, and rolled up to the window hoping to see the internet breaking sandwich next to all my other friends on the drive-thru menu. Alas, it didn’t seem as if it was meant to be. With my stomach grumbling I ordered my normal meal, a 3PC spicy with mashed potatoes, and drove up to the window to pay. It was there that I decided to put myself out on a limb, open up my heart, and ask the question I couldn’t get off my mind…

“Hey, what’s the deal with that sandwich from twitter?” I asked.

“Oh honey,” said the drive-thru angel with a coy smile on her face, “Chick-Fil-A is going to hate us,” and she handed me this heavenly Ambrosia. From that point on my animal instincts took over. The smell made me feel the way cartoons must feel when the smoke from a pie turns into fingers and leads them somewhere. The first bite was the closest thing to a religious experience I have ever had. By the end of this sando of destiny, I felt as if I had taken a spiritwalk through the astral plane. My first thought after finishing the sandwich was to return the clarion call of Popeye’s for more. I knew if I did so, I’d slowly become a Gollum-like creature clutching a sandwich in a dark, dank corner. Instead I practiced some rare self-control and decided to do what most overthinkers with a blog would do. Make a list.

The Definitive Ranking of the Top 5 Fast Food Sandwiches

5. Sausage McGriddles from McDonalds

I’ve never been much of a breakfast person, and I’ve always hated that this sandwich is called a McGriddles. One sandwich cannot be plural. It makes no sense. The other thing that makes no sense, is that when this is fresh it is an absolute work of art. Pancakes instead of a biscuit or toast is a brilliant change. A pancake and sausage combo is a solid combination for breakfast, the McGriddles eliminates the annoyance of using utensils. What elevates this from solid sandwich to top 5 is the syrup chicanery in the pancakes. I have no idea how the scientists were able to fuse chunks of syrup into the pancakes themselves, but I also don’t know how we were able to put a man on the moon.

4. The Smokeshack from Shake Shack

It’s hot. It’s cheesy. It has bacon. Few things combine as perfectly. Pair this with Shake Shack’s underrated fries and a Black & White (chocolate and vanilla) shake, and you’re in for a gastro-feast. I’ve only been a few times, and in literally all other cases I hate ground beef, but this burger is truly next level.

3. Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Chick-Fil-A

Chick-Fil-A is so complicated for me as a bleeding heart. On one end it is absolutely delicious. I mean I cook chicken in peanut oil because I heard that’s what they do. On the other hand, their politics are grotesque. I think of myself as fairly open-minded, I mean my dad is a Republican, but the ideas that Chick-Fil-A chooses to support and even fund are absolute atrocities to civilized society. That being said, the spicy chicken sando is out of this world. It’s a nearly perfect sandwich. Nearly.

2. Popeye’s Fried Chicken Sandwich

I don’t want to be redundant, but this pic is one of my most intense tweets of all time. My coworkers are weighing in. It’s the Helen of Troy of Sandwiches with the way it launched this blog. It would be the best sandwich of all time if not for…

1. The Double Down from KFC

The main difference between this sandwich and the one from Popeye’s is too much. I could eat the Popeye’s Fried Chicken Sandwich everyday for the rest of my life. If I did the same with the Double Down, the rest of my life would probably be a year. Eating too many of these is a fool’s errand much like staring at an eclipse, it’s just idiotic to do. My mouth is watering at the picture alone. Who needs bread? Not me. Who wants cheese and bacon in between two fried breasts? Me, always me. This sandwich may have been inspired by a clip from 30 Rock and I’m here for it. Gone but not forgotten, I’ll always hold a candle for the Double-Down. The absolute best sandwich ever.