After watching Celine Song’s new movie Materialists earlier this week I, like most red-blooded Americans, have been thinking quite a bit about Chris Evans and his career. I’ve come to the staggering conclusion that I have watched 29 Chris Evans movies. That’s right, in just 24 short years, we’ve watched him go from strutting his stuff in a whipped cream mankini, to saving the world, to being an evil ex, to saving the world, to playing the character a beloved toy is based off of, to saving the world, and then appearing in a bit of a love triangle. Did I mention he’s saved the world? So what else is there left to do other than a good old-fashioned retrospective look into a quarter-century of movies starring America’s ass at its best and worst. Spoilers are coming.

Materialists

In the Spring, we debated about whether or not 100 men could beat one gorilla in a fight. This Summer, Materialists tweaked the question a bit and built a movie around it as the audience contemplated: “would you rather be with broke Chris Evans, or an emotionally distant but rich Pedro Pascal with shortman syndrome?” Spoiler alert incoming: The movie seemed to guide us towards Evans’s character. Now if one was paying attention to the early movie heel pop, that’s right I’ve seen Princess Diaries, it was clear that Chris Evans was going to come out on top.

This was easily Chris Evans’s best role since 2019. He was an absolute pathos machine in this. Evans was an amazing blend of pitiful, lovable, charming, dismissive, and that perfect mix of dreamer and fuck up. This was perfectly encapsulated by a scene in which he could clearly tell that something was wrong with the woman he was painfully in love with, and simultaneously condescended to her about her job. What the movie probably didn’t intend was for him to completely overpower his co-stars. Dakota Johnson, the female lead who used math and checkboxes to matchmake, was a bit of a gold digger and offered little in the way of chemistry with anyone besides the uber-charming Evans. She talked about men the way I talk about fantasy football draft prospects, and she barely connected to the women she shared scenes with. Pedro Pascal also seemed to be more of an expository device than a person. He existed to show Dakota and the audience that money can’t buy you love. I truly hope this is the beginning of a new era for Chris Evans, but for now it’s time to look back and rank the past.

The Chris Evans Quadrant

Honorable Mention: Cellular

It was 2004. My uncle Keith had the deluxe movie package that included HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax. When my cousin Mitchell and I were tired of playing Halo 2, Thundertanks, and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Cellular was on at any given time for us. This movie is a good preview for the greater Evans experience, as we see our guy running around punching things heroically while trying to win Jessica Biel back. This movie isn’t great, or good, but it is fun.

Plot:

A science teacher gets kidnapped and calls for help on a broken landline phone. Instead of contacting the police, she gets hold of our hero. He goes to the cops, but guess who the kidnappers are…that’s right, the cops. Shenanigans ensue, Evans and William H. Macy save Kim Bassinger and the Breathtaking Doctor from Jason Statham. Shoutout to my guy Eric Christian Olsen who’s in this movie and should be a much bigger star.

What Worked

At one point Chris Evans commits armed robbery to get a phone charger and I felt seen. Also the LAPD committing crimes to cover up their crimes aged well with the Karen Read case in the news.

What Didn’t

Can you imagine answering a call from an unknown number today? I can’t. Also from what I’ve heard driving in LA cannot be this easy.

Number 10: Fantastic 4

Chris Evans played Johnny Storm, aka the Human Torch, across 3 movies. The first Fantastic Four was fun, the 2nd not so much, and then he popped up for a cameo in Deadpool and Wolverine that would make a sailor blush. Though I am beyond excited for the newest edition of Marvels First Family in theaters July, I feel like Joseph Quinn won’t be able to hold a candle (pun!!!!) to Evans. In this role, he oozed bravado and was able to perfectly encapsulate playboy thrill-seeker on the big screen.

What Worked

Evans as Johnny, and Chiklis as The Thing were both awesome as half of these four heroes, and Julian McMahon was a fun Dr. Doom.

What Didn’t

His other two family members weren’t the best actors, and they botched The Silver Surfer so bad.

Number 9: The Perfect Score

This movie was one of my favorites in 2004. I was a ninth grader when it came out, and I too was stressed about my PSAT score being too low for an Ivy League school. These guys did what I never dreamed of, breaking into the building where the SAT was housed to steal the answers in order to make their academic dreams come true. Now, I didn’t have access to a friend whose father owned the building so it wasn’t as feasible, but a kid can dream. This movie featured a super young Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson, (Avengers assemble?) as well as one of the most underrated dunkers of all time Darius Miles.

What Worked

High school comedies from this era were all fairly entertaining. I’d compare them to pizza, where even a bad slice is edible. Now this movie wasn’t as good as my bestie LJ’s beloved Can’t Hardly Wait, but it was fun. The characters were fun, it was semi diverse, and I always enjoy the characters talk to each other and learn how to be better people trope.

What Didn’t

The actor who played Roy was more annoying than he was funny, but we let that slide because the Asian stoner archetype deserves more shine. The crime of this movie is that Evans and ScarJo don’t end up together. this script should’ve been rewritten instantly once their chemistry became apparent. Also, Matthew freaking Lillard was Evans’s older brother and was only in 3 scenes. What are we doing?

Number 8: Scott Pilgrim vs The World

This may be a bit controversial at 8 as this is one of the, and in many people’s opinions THEE, best movies Chris Evans has ever been in. The reason why it’s number 8 is that Chris Evans as evil ex number 2: Lucas Lee, is only in the movie for about 7 minutes. In that brief time we do get to look at a few of the ingredients that make our subject truly special. He’s handsome, he’s full of bravado, he’s kind of a dick, and he’s an absolute dunce.

What Works

This is a bit of a self-referential caricature here as Chris Evans is clearly in on the joke. The Universal Pictures theme upon his intro was great.

What Didn’t

Baby, 7 minutes ain’t enough.

Number 7: Lightyear

As a kid, Toy Story was in my top 2 favorite Disney movies. As an adult, Interstellar is in my top 2 favorite movies. Naturally I enjoyed Lightyear much more than most people. This movie was about being lost, and a hero losing time trying to save the people he cared about, only to realize the best way to save them was to be WITH them. This movie did not deserve the hate it received. I want to take a second to reiterate a theme unfolding here, Chris Evans is great at leading ragtag groups.

What Worked

The aforementioned ragtag group. My favorite part of this movie was his explanation of the fact that he’s playing a character from a fake movie that the toy from Toy Story was based on. Plus Sox the robot cat was awesome.

What Didn’t

Lots of people didn’t like how this changed Emperor Zurg from Toy Story 2. It also would’ve been cool to see more space creatures, or had more of Bill Hader, but none of this is on our boy.

Number 6: Not Another Teen Movie

In the year 2001 we were drowning in a flood of teen movies. Some were great and remain iconic to this day like Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Bring it On. Some are extremely of their era like Varsity Blues, American Beauty, Can’t Hardly Wait, and She’s All That. Also there’s Cruel Intentions. All these movies and more were targets for Not Another Teen Movie, a hilarious R-Rated comedy that crossed every line possible. Its lasting legacy is twofold. This is the first movie where Chris Evans has the lead role, and this gif…

What Worked

Evans was effortlessly funny as someone who was in on every joke. He fit right into that airplane mold of acting where he took everything, but himself, seriously.

What Didn’t

Some jokes may not hit the same in 2025, and I’m bummed we never got a Chris Evans sports movie.

Number 5: Materialists

See above for my Materialists thoughts. Please make more movies like this Chris. I know you’re reading.

Number 4: Sunshine

When things go wrong in space, we all win as an audience. This movie is all about a crew sent on a mission to nuke the sun in order to make it shine again and save the world. Things go wrong, as space things typically do, and the crew goes on a rescue mission making things way worse. The best way to describe this movie is by saying it’s Event Horizon, but good. The cast is INSANE, and Danny Boyle always makes good movies so it’s worth a watch if you haven’t seen it before.

What Worked

Evans had the coveted role of James Mace in this movie. Some people get to be the hero, some people bask in being the villain, in Sunshine our boy got to be the asshole who sacrificed himself for the greater good.

What Didn’t

Marc Strong could’ve looked better, but that’s not on our guy Chris.

Number 3: Snowpiercer

In a world where humans caused an accidental ice age to combat global warming (Can we get anything right?) all of humanity lives on a train that never stops. Don’t worry though, humanity brought their beloved socio-economic stratified class structure onto the train. Poors in the back, Richie Rich’s in the front. Would you believe that Chris Evans leads a ragtag group to start a revolution? This movie rules. It’s super creative and the acting is great. Even though the Ice Age premise is a bit far-fetched, the society that develops on the train is far too accurate.

What Worked

The world building of this story is marvelous. Of course people would worship the train and its maker as their savior. The socio-economic divide leading to a revolution was fun. Cockroach protein bars are ingenious. Most importantly Chris Evans got to be a layered hero. He was kind of an asshole, he carried a lot of guilt, he murdered a whole bunch of people, and it ends with him completely broken by crushing truth of his reality. It was great!

What Didn’t

Apparently they made this a TV series. Boooooo!

Number 2: Captain America et al.

Chris Evans has played Captain America across a staggering 11 movies. Those movies range from okay to being awesome. I’m going to cheat a bit here and say the greater Captain America experience is 2nd best we’ve ever gotten from him. These movies feature almost everything Evans does well as an actor. He’s handsome, a hero, he takes off his shirt, he’s a bit dopey, he is a pure force of altruism, biceps, he’s a part of a rag tag team, he’s occasionally the butt of the joke (see above), and he’s the embodiment of what a “real American Hero” should be. In lieu of the what worked (everything) vs what didn’t (nothing) pattern, we’re just going to do a quick ranking of all non-Cameo Cap appearances.

• 1. Avengers: Endgame (I too would go back in time for Atwell)
• 2. Avengers: Infinity War (the dust heartbreak was real)
• 3. Captain America: The First Avenger
• 4. Captain America: Civil War
• 5. The Avengers
• 6. Captain America: Winter Soldier
• 7. Avengers: Age of Ultron

Number 1. Knives Out

This is a top 10 movie for me. A murder mystery with a Hercule Poirot type figure at its center unraveling the story with us. I’ve seen it dozens of times and never get tired of it. Throughout this movie we were blessed by a smart twist on one of my beloved genres, along with out of this world chemistry from Ana De Armas and Evans. What’s wild is none of this chemistry carried over into Ghosted.

What Worked

It is my not so humble opinion that this is the best performance by Chris Evans. He has to do so many things at once. While playing Ransom Drysdale, he has to carry himself like the smartest person in every room he enters, while not being as smart as he look. He needs to be simultaneously charming and condescending. He’s someone who can pass as your best friend and a murderer at the same time. He’s a failed son that makes you hate yourself because you’re rooting for him. This performance by Evans is straight up lightning in a bottle, and I hope he’s able to strike twice.

What Didn’t

Glass Onion was a bit of a let down, and it’s crazy that Evans couldn’t follow up this level of villainy in The Gray Man.

In conclusion, I love Chris Evans. He was always my choice during the great “Chris Wars.” He has two upcoming movies: one called Sacrifice where a charity event gets robbed by terrorists looking for a mystical artifact. He’s with Anya Taylor Joy, Salma Hayek, and Charlie XCX, so if anything else this movie will be BRAT. He’s also going to be Gene Kelly in an upcoming biopic, so we are going to be in a universe where we see Captain America perform “Singin in the Rain.” Beyond stoked for anything Chris Evans is in, I just hope it’s more Knives Out and Sunshine, and less Red One and The Gray Man.