A few years ago I wrote this classic, ranking the best fictional presidents from movies as a celebration of the worst president of my lifetime leaving office. Now with the existential dread of his possible return later this year, I’ve been ruminating about Jed Bartlet, aka the best fictitious president ever created. Is this a delicious sandwich of escapism and nostalgia? Sure. I mean The West Wing rules, and is quite an interesting rewatch in 2024, but writing about how great Jed would be instead of the two guys we have today is a bit…uninspired. Instead, let’s ask the truly important question…

How Would Other Martin Sheen Characters Be As President?

Greg Stillson: The Dead Zone (1983)

Wrong. In this Stephen King adaptation, we see Sheen play a vaguely Southern, fast-talking, dream-chasing candidate for US Senator from New Hampshire.

So it’s a bit of a mixed bag here when we break this down. Stillson regales a tale of how he won an election despite his opponents paying black people to vote against him, stating “Take their money and vote for me anyway!” He offers the kind of populist ideals that many can get behind and relate to, creating a coalition of minorities, low-income voters, and the youth. He served in the military, so that’s calming for the Cold War Era this movie was made, and for our current time where WWIII seems to constantly be on the brink. Now, if you believe the psychic premonitions (aka liberal controlled mainstream media) of Johnny, you’d see that Stillson winning his Senate seat is his springboard to the presidency, and ultimately to a nuclear holocaust. Also, the photo above is of him using a child to literally shield himself from bullet fire. Not the best for family values, but we love a candidate who can think on their feet. Election result: Single term only, due to either a failure to deliver on promises and/or apocalyptic atomic war.

Captain Queenan: The Departed (2006)

Sheen takes a subtle approach when playing Captain Queenan in The Departed, as he’s constantly surrounded by actors giving some of the most bombastic performances of their careers. Queenan acts as both a calm and stabilizing force for both the police that he commands and the cast.

Only the most staunch ACAB believers would have an issue with Captain Queenan as a presidential candidate. If you ignore how moronic his death was, the pros far outweigh the cons here. In this film we see him get the diametrically opposed Dignam (Marky Mark) and Ellerby (Alec Baldwin) to put their mutual hatred aside, and get on the same page to catch bad guys. Maybe Queenan can do the same with Republicans and Democrats today? He’s definitely anti-corruption, as he goes after actual criminals and the police who work for criminals in his own precinct. Could he clean up D.C. the way he was cleaning up South Boston? You know before being thrown off a building and dying? Election Result: Single term, he’s just too old, and who smokes cigarettes in the 21st century?

Jason Wynn: Spawn (1997)

Remember Spawn? Oh, you don’t…well Sheen played the super-evil Jason Wynn in this movie. He’s basically in charge of the CIA and the US Military, and according to a blurb I read a few seconds ago, “possibly the reincarnation of Genghis Khan.” Cool.

Let’s go piece by piece with this one. Wynn’s top assassin is a woman! This is a field that’s typically male-dominated, so Mr. Wynn is breaking down barriers. He works within the US Military structure as a leader, so those skills will translate well to the presidency. His most famous mission (you know from the movie Spawn that you totally remember) was to destroy a North Korean chemical weapons plant. He created a group that is uber loyal to him comprised of the US Military, the CIA, the Chinese Triads, and the Mafia. Can we say multi-national? I mean sure he wants to take over the world. Sure he linked a device that would kill humanity within 96 hours if he flatlines. No one is perfect. Election Results: He’d win at least a 2nd term, how do you campaign against someone willing to kill all humans if he dies? Also, Wynn sounds like win, and that’s too easy/catchy for campaign slogan purposes.

Uncle Ben: The Amazing Spiderman (2012)

Andrew Garfield is the superior Spiderman, but that’s a post for a different day. My guy Martin Sheen cashed out a superhero-sized check in this one.

“With great power comes great responsibility.” Put it on the posters. Put in on commercials. Print the shirts. He adopted his nephew Peter Parker, aka Spiderman, after the death of his younger brother Richard, who was totally a spy, and most of us are familiar with his impact on our friendly neighborhood web-slinger. Now our guy may have some scandals to deal with on the campaign trail. Things like how his wife was in love with another man, and only fell for Ben after this man was found guilty of murder. Set up job? Also according to seconds of research, he was in a band. Imagine, an embarrassing performance of his released to the public. If the “byah” heard around the world from Howard Dean killed his chances, what would happen if we heard a terrible Ben Parker cover of “Brown Eyed Girl.” Election Results: Uncle Ben wins a close election but is assassinated during his first term by someone Peter Parker let go.

Other Characters of note:

• Aj MacInerney (The American President) is the chief of staff to the proto-version of Jed Bartlet in this, and he’s great at pool.
• Captain Willard (Apocalypse Now aka Coppola’s best movie) is a man with military experience who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty and will cut off the heads of his enemies.
• Robert Hanson (Grace and Frankie) I’ve never seen a second of this, but I trust my sister’s judgement.
• Robert E. Lee (Gettysburg) terrible mistakes, lost two-thirds of his army in one battle and was fighting on the side of slavery. Loser move, unfit to be prez.
• J Edgar Hoover (Judas and the Black Messiah) dear Aphrodite please no

Is there a clear definitive choice for us here? Wynn for the win? No there’s just Jed #BartletForAmerica and all of its glory.