Including Spring Break, I am officially one month into quarantine. During this stretch, I’ve come to a few conclusions: I really have made a mistake by putting off Ozark, Community made me realize I have a really odd bias towards Netflix since I’ve watched 2 seasons in 3 days but didn’t watch a second of it on Hulu, rock music is dead, the most slept on moment of Tiger King is when Saff got his arm ripped off and Joe took the time to change into that EMS bomber jacket before he “administered” first aid, it’s painful to not be working out with my basketball team after school, and all of this quarantine shit really sucks.

Now as an optimist, I constantly remind myself that things can be worse. Technology makes it easier to cope with situations like this. Everything is at our fingertips with streaming, the internet, and our smartphones. Also, my weirdo brain makes me enjoy things that are really messed up. I think it will forever be broken, expecting everything to impress/shock/amaze me the way that experiencing “The Red Wedding” did years ago. Naturally, my brain has been hungry to consume worst case scenario movies so I’ve compiled this list. The caveat here is twofold: I purposefully ignored movies like Contagion and Outbreak, both are pretty good but are waaaay too close to home. I also left off zombie apocalypse and dystopian genre movies. The zomb-ocalypse, while amazing, is just closer to horror than a disaster movie, and dystopia movies typically take place after the disaster even so they are eliminated as well.

One quick honorable mention, it pained me to leave off 1996’s gem Twister. Bill Paxton. Flying cows. Die Hard‘s cinematographer. Indestructible Belt. Nuff Said.

6. Daylight (currently streaming on HBO)

I’m not sure what we did so right to EARN the absolute treasure trove of disaster movies the mid-nineties gave us, I’m just glad to have been captivated in theater by these masterpieces. Along with the aforementioned Twister and Outbreak, the 90s gave us: Alive, Independence Day, Titanic, End of Days, Speed, two amazing sets of movie twins Dante’s Peak and Volcano, Armageddon and Deep Impact, and 1996’s Daylight. I remember seeing this movie in the theater with my Grandma. We had this tradition of seeing movies and eating pizza together. This and Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey are the only two I remember vividly, but I definitely remember watching Con Air and The Wedding Singer with her as well. I’m honestly surprised she let me pick.

Daylight gives us Sylvester Stallone as Kit Latura (Stallone has a long tradition of great named characters, Rocky Balboa, John Rambo, Marion “Cobra” Corbetti, Lieutenant Raymond Tango, and my personal favorite Lincoln Hawk) the former Chief of NYC Emergency Medical Services, now a taxi driver due to losing the brother of a close friend under his watch. Jewel thieves crash into trucks transporting explosives causing the Holland Tunnel to begin to flood. Only Stallone can lead the limited amount of survivors to safety. This movie hits every disaster movie trope possible during its 109 minute run time. You have your jerk doubting the hero leading people to death, dog in peril, more explosions than character arcs, someone says the title of the movie at a pivotal moment, and the last line is a pun. This movie may not be original, but it’s great at making you feel the characters’ claustrophobic peril. Is it great or even a good movie? No. Is it the pinnacle of collapsing-tunnel flood movies? Absolutely.

5. It’s A Disaster (not currently streaming)

During my early 20’s I lived with many roommates and was lucky to live with a few of my closest friends. We fell into certain routines: Chillers on Wednesdays, IBar on Thursdays, BBQ and Wallstreet on Fridays and Saturdays, and Football all day on Sundays. It got to a point where it became so regimented that we were able to predict the playlists (we timed our arrivals downtown to hear “This is How We Do It” at 11:53 at BBQ). Every now and then we had some downtime, typically during that stretch where both the NFL and NBA were in their offseasons, and we had to figure out what to watch. One day my best friend Erik, his amazing future wife Ivy, and myself stumbled upon It’s a Disaster.

This movie, much like Reinhold Messner, breaths rarified air as it is one of the few “Trojan Horse” movies I’ve seen. It’s a Disaster begins with a couple on the way to their weekly friends brunch (this was super relatable as this was near the peak of our Sunday Funday days) and Julia Stiles‘s character was nervous to introduce her new boyfriend (David Cross) to her couple friends during their pivotal 3rd date. Very quickly we see every couple has their own distinct vibe. We’ve all been there, people that hug upon introduction, things your told not to mention, inside jokes you don’t get, and everything else that comes with new group dynamics are brilliantly highlighted (highlit?) as this movie shifts from comically cringey, to comically absurd. Awkward social faux paux, sirens in the background, a couple begins to fight in front of the group, cable goes out, and a neighbor in a hazmat suit pops over to let them know a dirty bomb was released in the city after being hurt he wasn’t invited to couple’s brunch. During this crisp 90 minute run, the group unravels in real-time and we get to see 8 people stripped down to their id. The best two moments of this movie would either be when the 5th, and notoriously late couple, shows up after the house was sealed and Julia Stiles refuses to let them in dropping the “maybe you should learn to show up to things on time” before turning the couple away (they die shortly after). The other highlight would be the ending. Everyone is confessing their sins, Julia Stiles is about to sleep with David Cross before finding out he’s a radical Fundamentalist Christian, and all 8 people play chicken with a Jim Jones level of poisoned wine. Cheers to this perfection.

4. Independence Day (not currently streaming)

Growing up, I had 3 movies I distinctly remember watching on a loop on VHS: Homeward Bound, Apollo 13, and Independence Day. While considering what qualifies as a disaster movie, it’s important remember the level of peril at play. It would be easy to eschew Independence Day aside into an “alien movie” category, but that would be a vast oversimplification. One could argue that “Alien” is one of the best HORROR movies of all time, and Oscar-nominated “Arrival” is an absolute tour-de-force (I instantly felt like a douche using that term, but I overuse masterpiece and gem) that combines, love, heartbreak, family, time-travel (kind of), and uses aliens as a framing device. Independence Day uses the looming alien threat and their out-of-this-world (champion pun of the article) technology as an extinction-level enemy of all of Earth.

I saw this movie in the theater when I was 7, so obviously it was the greatest thing of all time. The special effects at the time were amazing. We have a stretch where the White House, most of LA, and NYC are destroyed by aliens earning this movie an Oscar. We have Jeff Goldblum at his Goldblumiest, teamming up with Will Smith letting us all know the Willenium is beginning a barrage of one liners: “that’s what I call a close encounter”, “welcome to Earth”, and my personal favorite “tell them I hit you” to a dude who dwarfed him. This duo masterfully combined brains, brawn, wit, and charm to upload a computer virus into the alien force field system (LITERALLY AS I TYPE THIS I just connected this plan to the climax War Of The Worlds where the invading aliens died from viral germs). Bill Pullman, as President Whitmore, gives an all-time great Presidential speech, and Randy Quaid (previously dismissed as a crazy alien fanatic) flies kamikaze-style into an alien ship (probing them in a way he was probed?). This movie has little to no flaws, a lot of Adam Baldwin (Jaynestown is one of the best episodes of TV ever), and is deserving of its spot on the Disaster Movie Mt. Rushmore.

3. Poseidon Adventure (not currently streaming)

Another childhood classic of mine. Even though I was not born in 1972 and didn’t get to experience this in the theater, I sat through the atrocious remake in 2006, the 1970’s may have been the apex decade for disaster movies with the Airport series of films and The Towering Inferno were popular, but it was The Poseidon Adventure was a seminal movie experience for me. First of all, it was the first time I remember a movie making me cry (I probably cried at Aladin, because it made my dad and I puke nonstop but I was about 3 years old). Second, it introduced me to an all-time great actor Gene Hackman, who looked like he was 55 for 30 straight years.

This movie masterfully blends all aspects you need for a successful disaster movie, as the titular cruise ship, The SS Poseidon is hit by a 90 ft tidal wave and flipped upside-down while on her final voyage. I love the final-anything as a trope, the last time anything happens never seems to work out. Gene Hackman plays Reverend Scott, who is being sent to Africa because he believes “God only helps those who help themselves,” I have no idea what the fuck was going on the 70’s to cause the “Reaganomics” Christianity to be a plot device, but I love every bit of that ridiculous sentence. Hackman, is our hero and he leads a motley bunch of survivors so safety. Who’s in this group you ask? Detective Ernest Borgnine and his former prostitute wife (who almost survives this ordeal in legendary hooker heels), an annoying kid, the iconic Shelley Winters, a guy who willingly goes by the name of Red Buttons, a girl who doesn’t stop crying, and Jack Albertson who most of us remember as the original Grandpa Joe (the most selfish character of all time, this will be a future blog post). We have not one but two jerks doubt our hero, leading to the deaths of multiple people. Our survivors all contribute to the group’s survival overall, the kid is obsessed with boats and knows how to find the engine room, Shelley Winters is a former competitive swimmer so she saved Hackman underwater (and then had a heart attack), and Red Buttons is an old perv waiting to scoop up the crier. It all fits. The movie ends with Hackman shouting at God (he’s a reverend remember) before falling into flaming water (science?) and his ultimate death (tears ensue). His sacrifice allows the group to move on, and they are eventually saved by the French (finally they come through). This movie is absolutely timeless, and deserved all 9 of its Oscar Nominations (2 wins), not to mention our queen Shelley Winters won a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress…making The Poseidon Adventure a ship I’d go down with.

2. Armageddon (streaming on Hulu and HBO)

Now I’m sure my fellow millennials think this is blasphemy. They also thought voting for Hennessy and Harambe would be productive during the election of 2016 and here we are. Armageddon smashed the box office (and our hearts) as it became the highest grossing movie of 1998. Despite what leading astronomers said, it was far superior to its evil twin Deep Impact. The coolest side-effect of this movie is the fact that it resulted in yet another Aerosmith comeback.

As a meteor the size of Texas hurtles towards Earth, NASA sends a team of oil-rig operators into outer space to drill a hole into said meteor and nuke it to save the world. That plot alone is enough to vault Armageddon into the disaster movie pantheon, but it doesn’t stop there. Our heroes do the best slo-mo walk of all time. The cast combines action movie demigod Bruce Willis, a young Ben Affleck fresh off of Good Will Hunting (RETAINER!!!), Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, Owen Wilson (please make a comeback soon), Steve Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan, legendary nameless character actors: William Fichtner, Will Patton, Peter Stormare, and Keith David. Director Michael Bay provides iconic special effects. The cast breaks out into song, and it’s cringely beautiful. Sacrifices were made as the team eventually saves the world, making this the best disaster movie ever…almost.

1. Interstellar (streaming on Hulu)

I won’t beat around the bush, this is my favorite movie ever. Not only is the soundtrack on my spotify playlist (two songs made my 2019 playlist), but I make my students listen to it while they take exams in my class. Most people would probably qualify this as a space movie, but let’s think about the rules, all people are in peril due to a world ending threat and we follow a hero’s journey to save us. This checks all of the disaster movie boxes, as it includes a group of heroes being whittled down, doubt of the main hero, and awesome special effects.

Christopher Nolan set Interstellar in the near future, and we see it’s a very realistic look at the future as the Earth is dying. I’m not going to give this an in depth recap (that deserves its own blog post), but I will hit on why this is the pinnacle of disaster movies. The Water Planet scene is such a unique twist, as water is typically a sign of life and here its deadly, and is scored beautifully. The Ice Planet has the most legendary cameo ever. The idea of relativity and time slippage was so unique, and resulted in a heartbreaking ending. The writing and voice-acting was so well done that I cry when a robot sacrifices itself for the group. “We agreed Amelia, 90%” gives me the chills to type. Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, Michael Caine, and the GOAT John Lithgow lead an epic cast, as this movie this movie adds an intellectual layer to disaster movies. A philosophical question that has been asked since the Age of Enlightenment has been a debate of science vs. faith. Interstellar shows us love is just as important and is what saves humanity. BEST MOVIE EVER.